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Various Versions of the Hedgehog Song

The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered at All


Words & music © 1994-1995 Mark A. Mandel,
except underlined portions © 1988 by Terry and Lynn Pratchett (see annotations)
The song must have at least a reprise ("chorus") and seventeen verses; this version has nineteen. The verses prefixed with an asterisk form a good short version with nine, including the quotations in boldface (giraffe and snail) and the other textually supported verse (goat).

* Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day [see note]
when he heard a great shriek from the neighboring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his loins,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered at all."
Chorus (repeat after each verse): [p. 87]
Roll them all over and turn them around,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The sheep is a classic, as well you may find,
the llama's all right if he isn't too tall,
the donkey's a danger for standing behind,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You may pounce on the cat as he walks by his lone, [Kipling]
the mole has a hole into which you can crawl,
you must blindfold the basilisk or turn into stone,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The sow is a darling, so slick and so tight,
to cuddle and kiss as you lie next the wall,
but she don't chew the cud, so you'd better not bite,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The squirrel requires the climbing of trees,
which puts you at risk of a slip and a fall.
The dog's man's best friend if you don't mind the fleas,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* You can do it with a frog in a puddle or pool,
though you might catch a cold in your whatchamacall-
it, or with a giraffe if you stand on a stool, [p.48]
but the hedgehog
can never be buggered at all.

The rhino is often... reluctant... to flirt;
the termite's a challenge because he's so small
you might wash him away with your very first squirt;
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The bonobo monkey --
Will someone please tell the Librarian I'm not talking about him?
He's in the last verse. -- Thank you!
The bonobo monkey is willing to hump:
he'll do all his friends, both the large and the small,
and he'll do it to you if you show him your rump,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The humans are out, if you value your life:
it's incest, my son, since we're relatives all...
unless you'd make love to your very own wife!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* I don't recommend that you tackle the skunk.
I did once myself, I'm ashamed to recall;
I must have been EXtr'ordinARily drunk!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The kangaroo's pocket can carry your tool
though her kick may propel you clean over the wall.
The platypus lurks in the muck of his pool
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The camel is likely to spit in your face,
but don't take it bad, for it ain't personAL:
he simply detests the entire human race,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

As a friend to the children, commend me the Yak; [H. Belloc]
he's perfect to start them on when they are small,
for they cannot slip off of his very broad back,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can take a wild ride on a wild catamount
if your ears can stand up to his wild caterwaul.
You can poke your own fist, but that really don't count,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Take care when you lift up the elephant's tail
or beware of the fate that else may befall:
if you pick the wrong end you could wind up impaled!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

To futter the bat you must take to the air.
She'll flutter her wings and go into a stall
and pitch you off into God-only-knows-where,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* (Verse 17) [p.51]
The billygoat's habits, though pungent and weird,
you've got to accept if it's him that you'd ball:
he don't use cologne, he just cums in his beard,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The guinea pig's timid, and brainless to boot,
he's worse than no use in a ruckus or brawl,
but you can't pass him up 'cause he's so bloody cute!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* (Last verse) [deliberately]
You can bugger a whale if you're willing to swim
or an ORanguTANG if you hang from a limb;
or make time with a snail if you slow... to... a... crawl..., [p.315]
... but the hedgehog
can never be buggered at all!

Final chorus



This song is generally sung by Nanny Ogg when she's drunk (which is usually). If she's not singing this one, then it'll probably be A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End. Terry Pratchett never gave the full lyrics in his books, however he did leave us with a few snippets from which other people have built.

Here's the version used on the Discworld MUD (discworld.imaginary.com), originally written by Matthew Crosby with additions from readers of alt.fan.pratchett:

"Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry 'Frink!' as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat.
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all."

This is version 1.5, but the song has been updated to at least 1.12, increasing the number of verses to a grand total of 38. Listing all of the rest of them feels a bit extravagant, but you can find them online at www.co.uk.lspace.org/fandom/songs/hedgehog-song.html which gives email addresses to send contributions to, as well.

.
The Hedgehog Song, v1.7
-----------------------
Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett
from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett
-----
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 3: (So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come
You'll never get through his impregnable bum
With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all)

CHORUS

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see,
You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee.
You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,
But to keep up with them you may have to run.
You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

A hippo is funny but take care if underneath,
A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth.
Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain
If you take my advice you will save yourself pain
When the base urges strike you it's best to recall
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all

CHORUS

Your hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun
You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun
But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can top a giraffe if you stand on a stool
Though a Jack Russell might make you look like a fool
But the fact still remains that if you want to ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you
And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu
Carouse with a louse if your weenie is small
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS

It's hard with a crab 'cause its bum's watertight
The best way is sideways, then twist to the right
If you screw one, be thankful as shorewards you crawl
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

 


 

The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All v2.0


Words - Heather Wood, copyright 1993 or thereabouts
Tune - Boni Dundee Trad (Or so I'm told).

from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett

Download a midi file of the music: type 0 or type 1.

[image ofmusic to the song]

1.
You can bugger the bear, if you do it with care,
in the winter, when he is asleep in his lair,
Though I would not advise it in spring or in fall--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
2.
If you're feeling quite coarse, you can bugger the horse,
or the palfrey, the jennet, the stallion (with force),
You can bugger the donkey, the mare, or the mule,
Though to bugger the pony is needlessly cruel.
3.
You can bugger the ox (if you stand on a box)
And vulpologists say you can bugger the fox,
You can bugger the shrew, though it's awfully small--
but the hedgehog cvan never be buggered at all.
4.
Herptologists gasp you can bugger the asp,
Entymologists claim you can bugger the wasp.
If an insects your thing, man, then just have a ball--
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
5.
And the elephant too, that you meet in the zoo,
Can be buggered if you are sure just what to do,
You will need a large mattress upon which to fall--
but the hedgehog cvan never be buggered at all.
6.
You can bugger the bees if your down on your knees,
You can bugger the termites with terminal ease
you can bugger the beetle, the ladybug (bird!) too,
there's no end to the buggering that you can do.
7.
You can bugger the cat if it isn't to fat
You can bugger the rabbit you draw from your hat
You can bugger the shark that you've chased in your yawl--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
8.
You can bugger the ermine, and all other vermine,
like rats, mice, and roaches, if your not discernin'.
You can bugger the dog, it will come when you call--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
9.
Although Mr. Tiggy is not very big, he
Avoids with great ease those who fancy his arse.
He just curls in a ball, shows his prickles and all--
And the would-be seducer leaves himin the grass
10.
If you're that kind of fool, and you have a long tool,
Do it with a giraffe, if you stand on a stool,
Catch a yeti, who lives in the snows of Nepal--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
11.
For the hedgehog escapes the posterior rapes
Performed upon others of different shapes
Those who run, swim, or slither, they get it withal--
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
12.
It is said, if you try, you can bugger the fly,
Or the swallow as it skims so skilfully by,
Use a noose or a net, or lime (if you've the gall)--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all
13.
You can bugger the cow (I will not tell you how),
Or the boar, or the piglet, the shoat or the sow,
You can bugger the ass as it stands in the stall--
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
14.
You can order or shoo 'im, or run a knife through 'im
The one thing you cannot do is stick it to 'im.
If you try to seduce 'im, you'll end in a fix,
His prickles defend him against rampant pricks.
15.
You can bugger the ram, you can bugger the lamb,
You can bugger the ewe, though the wether's a sham,
You can bugger the tiger (it may caterwaul)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
16.
You can bugger the seal, you can bugger the eel,
You can bugger the crab, though they say it can't feel,
You can bugger the bat as the night casts its pall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
17.
You can bugger the snake (hold it down with a rake),
Though to bugger the quetzal may be a mistake.
You can bugger the billy, the nanny the kid,
But to bugger the hedeghog just cannot be did.
18.
You can bugger the slug, though it messes the rug,
You can bugger the different species of bug,
Or do it with a snail, if you slow to a crawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
19.
At the end of the day, when you've had your rough way
With all of those creatures, you'll just have to say
"That damned Erinaceous has been my downfall--"
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

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